Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
