Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
