He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
