you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
