Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
