i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
