sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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