Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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