When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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