i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
