awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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