is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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