There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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