I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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