Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
