Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
