I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
