WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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