I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
