Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
