It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sobbing to NWA
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
