i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
