I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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