So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
