im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
