Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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