god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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