i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
