the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
