Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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