and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
