Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
