i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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