He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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