Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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