i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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