I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
