I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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