I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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