why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
