anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
