Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
