Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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