Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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