How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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