drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
