I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i came on her dog
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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