tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
