Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
