My hand turned me down
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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