Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
