I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
