omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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