there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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