I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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