Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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