Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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