does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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