we're blogging at a bar
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
