so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
