Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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