R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
