Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
