Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
