Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
