I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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